American Coalition for Clean Coal Electricity Seeks New President
Date: 2012-02-29, 5:19PM EST
Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Are you a motivated go-getter who hates to let facts stand in the way of profits? Are you good at making something out of nothing? Do you sleep soundly at night, no matter what you've done? Do you reject the global anti-capitalist "science" conspiracy? Are you comfortable around unicorns, centaurs, and other so-called "mythical" creatures? Do you have experience in the tobacco industry?
If you answered yes to those questions, we want to hear from you. The American Coalition for Clean Coal Electricity is seeking a new President of our trade association to continue our work promoting a product that doesn't actually exist: clean coal electricity. The ideal candidate would be able to alter the long-standing ironclad laws of chemistry to create clean coal (through magic or otherwise), but we'll settle for someone that can say it exists with a straight face.
-Pretending Clean Coal exists during meetings with the media, government officials, and citizens
-Denying climate change over and over again.
-Really, really hating clean air and really, really loving making a few of your friends a lot of money
-Wining and dining politicians
-Spending lots of money lobbying politicians
-Accurately filling out expense sheets and legal documents outlining our activities, expenditures and. . .ha, just kidding - we don't have to do that. Thanks, Supreme Court!
Preferred Candidate Would Have the Following Attributes:
-Willful or natural ignorance of reality
-Experience in various East European propaganda ministries, the Tobacco Industry, or sales of miracle cures and/or snake oil
-Basically, we need you to be friends with a lot of politicians
-Doesn't hurt if you are rich
- Ability to sleep soundly after helping poison air and water nationwide and undermining our Democracy
Compensation: A lot. Look, let's just say you'll be in that 1% those hippies are always talking about and Mitt Romney will not be uncomfortable around you.
-Bonuses allocated as electricity rates go up.
-Full health, dental, and vision.
-Access to future beach front property in Nebraska
-Special discounted inhaler program for ACCCE employees and their families
- Compensation: see above
- Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
- Please, no phone calls about this job!
- Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.